I don't know how many times I've started writing this.

Some days, I wake up fine. I'm able to jump out of bed, tackle everything I have to do that day, and end it well.

I can feel like I'm good at things; able to execute, have conversations, and have the energy to help myself and others. I might even go for a run.

Life feels good - I'm confident, charismatic, and capable. I can deliver on my promises, both in relationships and work. I can feel like I'm on top of the world.

Other days, I can't get out of bed. Life seems too difficult, the weight of the things I need to do is too immense, and my worries take over.

I find myself thinking about whether I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Is this photography thing just a waste of time? Am I chasing a dream that will never come to fruition?

Will I always be a starving artist? How am I supposed to live my life well if I can't even get out of bed?

These swings have a root cause. In the middle of 2021, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - a mental health condition that can cause major mood swings from mania to depression. These swings can happen rarely, or multiple times a year. I tend to have long periods of depression and short bursts of mania.

The past two years have been the hardest of my life - I started treatment for depression right as COVID hit the US, and the medication kicked me into my first manic episode. I found myself completely lost - trying to reinvent my life, break apart relationships that I hold dear, and was almost consumed by this idea that I needed to flip everything upside down. I tried to ruin everything that made my life good - my work, my friends, and my marriage.

In hindsight, I was burning bridges so that there would be less left behind if I killed myself.

2020 and 2021 have taught me more than I could ever have imagined. I know that I'm sick, and that I have a condition that I will struggle with the rest of my life. I know that people actually do love me, and I'm incredibly grateful for the support and care of those close to me.

I also know now that life is too short to spend it on things that don't matter. When I can manage, I've been throwing myself into personal projects and trying to enjoy time with the people I love. I've always been a workaholic, and long periods without jobs have been forcing me to find life-value in other places.

I guess I'm sharing this because I heard a great piece of advice recently - and that's "You're the only person who can tell your story." This is a piece of mine, and I hope that my experiences can encourage you if you're struggling with the same things.

Everything is a season. There is help if you can ask for it. And sometimes people will help you whether you like it or not.

See you next time.