I'm bipolar.

I don't know how many times I've started writing this.

Some days, I wake up fine. I'm able to jump out of bed, tackle everything I have to do that day, and end it well.

I can feel like I'm good at things; able to execute, have conversations, and have the energy to help myself and others. I might even go for a run.

Life feels good - I'm confident, charismatic, and capable. I can deliver on my promises, both in relationships and work. I can feel like I'm on top of the world.

Other days, I can't get out of bed. Life seems too difficult, the weight of the things I need to do is too immense, and my worries take over.

I find myself thinking about whether I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Is this photography thing just a waste of time? Am I chasing a dream that will never come to fruition?

Will I always be a starving artist? How am I supposed to live my life well if I can't even get out of bed?

These swings have a root cause. In the middle of 2021, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - a mental health condition that can cause major mood swings from mania to depression. These swings can happen rarely, or multiple times a year. I tend to have long periods of depression and short bursts of mania.

The past two years have been the hardest of my life - I started treatment for depression right as COVID hit the US, and the medication kicked me into my first manic episode. I found myself completely lost - trying to reinvent my life, break apart relationships that I hold dear, and was almost consumed by this idea that I needed to flip everything upside down. I tried to ruin everything that made my life good - my work, my friends, and my marriage.

In hindsight, I was burning bridges so that there would be less left behind if I killed myself.

2020 and 2021 have taught me more than I could ever have imagined. I know that I'm sick, and that I have a condition that I will struggle with the rest of my life. I know that people actually do love me, and I'm incredibly grateful for the support and care of those close to me.

I also know now that life is too short to spend it on things that don't matter. When I can manage, I've been throwing myself into personal projects and trying to enjoy time with the people I love. I've always been a workaholic, and long periods without jobs have been forcing me to find life-value in other places.

I guess I'm sharing this because I heard a great piece of advice recently - and that's "You're the only person who can tell your story." This is a piece of mine, and I hope that my experiences can encourage you if you're struggling with the same things.

Everything is a season. There is help if you can ask for it. And sometimes people will help you whether you like it or not.

See you next time.

Photography during the Coronavirus

It’s been a tough 12 months for creative professionals across the board, and photographers have had it no different.

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In the beginning, 2020 seemed like it was looking up. I had helped found a semi-successful creative agency; we were seeing rapid growth in our business, gaining clients, and making money. Even as the pandemic crashed down on the American economy and forced us to re-orient our lives, my business managed to stay busy working with small businesses who were bravely weathering the storm - we even acquired new clients during that time.

I was busy, and looking back it seems insane.

2020 took our loved ones, our friends, our relationships. It took jobs, entertainment, our very sense of how life is supposed to be. Life seems fundamentally different in 2021.

I write this in February, my least favorite month. I’ve been bored out of my mind for weeks - by the time Thanksgiving 2020 rolled around I was exhausted, drained of creativity, and at my wits end trying to keep up with the sheer volume of work., and getting paid almost nothing for the work I was able to complete.
My mental health was in shambles, my marriage was struggling, and I had no idea how the rest of the year, much less the next, would unfold.

Creative work is a different kind of difficult, and something that I’ve had to learn is that inspiration is an unsteady foundation for a career. Creativity is a muscle, a skill to be honed - yes there are periods of time where artists can enter a fugue-state and crank out incredible work all at once, but the less glamorous and much less dramatic side of creative work is the long spaces in between inspiration - days spent staring at walls, struggling to get out of bed because you simply don’t know what to do.

No wonder so many creatives struggle with depression, and so many depressed people are creative. We get sad when we aren’t making things.

I hope I am learning to overcome this. Instead of moping around my house and eating to fill the creative void, I’m sitting at my desk writing this stream-of-consciousness blog. I’m trying to imagine a new photograph or video that I can make today.

I guess the takeaway from this exercise is that even if you don’t feel like doing anything, do something. It might be shitty, but it’s better than nothing.

Black and White

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I’m a huge fan of classic photojournalism, and try as much as I can to bring some of that timeless, communicative quality to photographs that I make. Black and white, Kodak Tri-X 400 images are some of the most evocative, emotional, and beautiful, and monochrome helps to tell a specific kind of story. It’s not about hiding imperfections, black and white photos allow you to bring out the best qualities in an image that you may not have noticed before.

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Thinking in Monochrome

A small collection

Beartooth: The Disease Tour Part II

On April 30th, at approximately 4pm, I got a text from my good friend Jered that I had a photo pass waiting for me in Nashville.

Beartooth. Of Mice & Men. Hands Like Houses. Dead American.

The Disease Tour Part II.

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